blocked.
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Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie