Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.