Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles