Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
just ordered a drink at a hotel bar and the guy said “sure do you want that now or later”. brand new interaction never come across this one before
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Is this you?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.