Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…