Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
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wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life