Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?