blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
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just ordered a drink at a hotel bar and the guy said “sure do you want that now or later”. brand new interaction never come across this one before
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home