Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

I need better friends

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday