Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

what’s more important?

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.