Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
They got a point!
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me checking my bank balance online.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul