Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.