Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
You Might Also Like
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I’m already scared
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying