Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I put the h in mysterious.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
is nasa ok
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.