Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
