Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Air pods looking like an angry frog
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Ironic
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.