Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.