Blocking someone isn’t enough. You have to hire a bunch of singing clowns to finish the job
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores