Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
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*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My blood type is b hungry.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*