Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

is this a threat

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

this has to be peak English

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?