Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…