Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
😭😭😭
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been