Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???