Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*