Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”