Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.