Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
You Might Also Like
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.