Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

what’s the point then??

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

You had me at “define legal”.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.