Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza