Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
The French word for sex is croissant.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Tier 3 meme
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password