Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
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Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
im gay on my mothers side
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.