Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes