Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

a god among men

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids