Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Not today, today.
Not today.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

With a text.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing