Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.