Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

Midwest trash talk

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

Good point.

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late