blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Well. That’s not a good sign.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually