blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.


Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.


Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.


Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.


imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait


*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?


*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.


When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.


[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then