They are only bad decisions if you get caught
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.
[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then