**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.