wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”