Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.