Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.