Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

Headlines With Threatening Auras.