Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.