@travisauruss

Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.

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@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@TheMichaelRock

If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they’d sell drugs and alcohol.

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

@thisis_thatguy

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

@robfromonline

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

@yungsweater

*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”

@TheAlexNevil

Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill

@Thee1_4U

How to win an argument with a woman:

1. Too late, you’re already wrong.

@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?