shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Monday Lisa
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.