Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.

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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>



If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they’d sell drugs and alcohol.


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.


crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers


*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”


Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill


How to win an argument with a woman:

1. Too late, you’re already wrong.


inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?