Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
That took me a moment.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling