Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

*limbos away from your hug*

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused