Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.