Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people