Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
incredible book dedication
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.