Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Damn what did I do next
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.