Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Mornin
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”