Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it