Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
What the hell is going on?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The 6 types of sex
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
