Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I want what they have
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.