Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

We know he can swim but…

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN