My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
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A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
shampoo implies shampee
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*