An app like twitter but for people who can read
Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.
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If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
if i had a girlfriend id show her the best monkey videos
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats