@SuperJuanderer

Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.

You Might Also Like

@naderdagher

If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,

@Kvy_kv

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

@BoomBoomBetty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

@dave_cactus

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

@robdelaney

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

@AbrasiveGhost

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats