blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
#catsoftwitter
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.