Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.