blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?