Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably