[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?