“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?