Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
i wonder why they stopped looking
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.