Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

thinking about this

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

somebody come look at this

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

My birth announcement for our third baby

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”