Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Would you wear it?

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

me trying to get a bartender’s attention