Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
#SuperBowl
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?