Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

My fantasy football season is going great

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

🤣

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.