Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.