Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning!

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”