Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material