Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
bout dat hot dog summer
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.