Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.