Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”