Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.